Living on a slipstream
Going up and going down
Thumbs up for those
Who are running with no steam
Love to those who care about someone
Taking nothing in return
We are all in here for a reason
That is hidden in our souls
We may live and be so happy
We may live in constant pain
But we need to be together
Fighting evil in ourselves.
Поздний вечер, сухие остатки
Солнца луч покатил по волнам
Мы выходим на море в перчатках
Наши руки висят не по швам
Все застыло - и время, и чувства
Лишь любовь потекла по ручьям
Вены пульсом играют и слышно
Как мы строим любви нашей храм
Ниокуда не взяться свободе
Нет законов - все это не к нам
Мы бредем по пустынной дороге
Понимая, что мысль - это спам
Мы молчим и кайфуем от неба
От полета души к островам
К островам непрожитого года
В новой жизни летевшего к нам
Не забуду и не потеряю
Образ твой бесконечно простой
Не покинет меня непогода
Ведь я все начинал это сам
Вереница счастливых событий
Потерялась не здесь и не там
Словно волн непокорная поза
Я тебя никому не отдам.
Feeling sad for a while
My life is here and now
I do drink wine
I eat potatoes
And some meat
Could you tell me
Am i fit?
For fuck sake
I don’t care
I life my life
Without fear
I do find something
That makes it clear
That reason has an enemy
It lives inside my soul
Today it’s clear
I am not alone
So, I don’t care
If you are here to read
Or my thing’s aren’t not for you
No, not anymore.
Тоскую по дому,
Не велено боле.
Искать изъяны,
Похуй на этот дым ссаный.
Ищу нирваны…
Мир зашит.
Что сверху,
Что под боком,
Что снизу,
Не взять его быстрым наскоком.
А стоит ли в общем?
Да бог с ним.
Что ты представляешь из себя?
А что можно сказать о жизни?
В которой нет тебя…
Ты вышел за борт.
Не находя сил,
Чтобы сказать хватит.
Что сильнее?
Сгинуть разом?
Или жизнь с одной лишь фразой,
Why me?
Well, nobody cares.
Except you.
But don’t you dare.
Leave it for others.
Today I spend my time while seeing
That every action may have sense
I know that I am simply bleeding
With my own loneliness
I am in search of new emotions
I am in need of helping hand
I may stop doing my creations
Of making my own verse
I see the light of sun this evening
I see the fortune making mess
I love to think that I am equal
To those who aren’t in any sense
I like to be above my problems
I like to see more hapiness
But who am I to make conclusions
About myself these times or at this place
I may return to writing poems
I may become less stressed
But now this making makes me stumbled
Without some notion and progress
Здоровье под таблами.
Отсутствие перспектив.
Сума, психушки, потери рассудка…
Бессилие, отдышка и неодетый презерватив.
Таблетки гасят нещадно,
Растет доза- падла,
Но, как не крути,
Эт лучше, чем в дурке,
Хлебать носом щи.
Нет смысла винить себя.
Но и гордиться не стоит.
Давно прошли уже времена,
Когда я чего-то, да стоил.
Талантлив условно,
Мешки не ворочаю.
В башке сплошь кисель,
Как в мусорнике у обочины.
Пошло бы все нахуй,
Звонко и далеко.
Чтобы не телку трахая…
А достигая чего-то,
Радовало естество.
Тут, блять, рисуй не рисуй,
Свою пирамиду Маслоу.
Все равно, в итоге,
Пустой карман.
И незаконченный поцелуй.
I am running from realiity
I am running from myself
Is it life in it’s mortality?
Or, am I losing sense?
I believe that I am needed
Or I need to feel like that
I see people through the face of abnormality
I don’t need to ask about a given tense
This is my own sort of parity
With those who can make a mess.
Feeling grateful
Feeling calm
No events
But that is fine
I have laptop
I have time
I am educated
I’m not blind
Times are full of trouble
They are undefined
All my problems seem to vanish
When I see the news
Now I understand
That I don’t want to die
I will happen
When it’s time
But I’ll try to help myself
To survive
Fight my inner demons
Fight them full of pride
I am sort of an example
Of a ruined life
But I try my best
To keep it fine.
Всем известен диагноз,
Но никто не поймет,
Какого это…
Быть голове.
Без царя.
Жизнь бывает прекрасной,
Но скрывать свои чувства,
Мне приходится день ото дня.
Я могу быть улыбчив,
Я могу быть своим.
Но открыть свою душу,
Не смогу я другим.
Это не панацея,
Можно сбегать к врачу,
Получить свой коктейль.
И глотать его чинно,
Без особых причин.
Привыкаешь к побочкам.
Вроде жизнь хороша.
Крыша есть над башкой,
Не стреляют в тебя.
Но так хочется счастья…
Как же с ним породниться?
Не теряя себя.
Живя и просто и неприхотливо,
На бочке с порохом сидя,
Не так уж плох мой срез извилин.
Уж точно можно не винить себя.
За то, что путь мой необычен,
И видно из надзорного окна,
Как в клеточку халаты на убийцах,
Идут прогуливаться у пруда.
А я сижу в этой палате,
Уже недели три без сна,
Курить можно четыре раза.
А выйти будто никогда.
Понять мне в миг так трудно,
Что это сделает сильней меня.
Я искуплю грехи своя,
Я не надену униформу,
Больничного покроя никогда.
Уроки, впрочем, не усвою я.
Если чердак опять прорвет,
То заберут в наручниках,
Тупые два мента в скоряк.
И я поеду, как в кортеже,
В тот желтый дом на холм.
И там мне снова станет трудно,
Но также ясно, что я болен.
И это мой кармический прием,
В психушке повалятся вдоволь.
Пока на место голова не встанет.
А там, опять в свой теплый дом.
I'd love to see my path as happy
And it for sure is somewhat likely to be called
As happy with a bunch of troubles
But narrow it is not - it's made of different cards
I have my loving family of ladies
I have my strong and pretty mom
I have my all - my teenage sister
And wisest granny is with us
We are quite poor - but it is not a trouble
We have strong bond and hold each other
When someone suffers - we are there to help
When it is time to laugh or smile
We do it up to tears full of cries
We love each other
I am a richest person in the world
When I see all my ladies smiling
When I have them near me
When I can also give them helping hand.
I am not destined to suffer
I am here to recover
I believe that I can receive
I love to help and give.
There is something in my mind
That I cannot change
Though I can forever find
That I’m here for you, my dear friend.
A mistake is not a problem
If you are honest and say sorry
It is worse by a mile
When you pretend and lie without worry.
I’d like to write about my last episode of psychosis. It happened this spring. I have been hospitalized for 1,5 months. It all started to happen for me with growing anxiety and overall stress because of the war in Ukraine. I have many relatives in different parts of this country. We have started to communicate more since it began. I keep thinking about this madness. I keep thinking about the cruelty of war. In my opinion, it should stop as soon as possible. But, who am I to decide on whether it should stop or not. I only think that there is little hope for me to stop thinking about it even when it ends. I hope that I am wrong, but this hatred will not end. This suffering does not go along with what humanity should look like. Yes, we are apes, we have all kinds of instincts that can become dangerous, but we also have the intellect to make our life peaceful. We are here for a reason. Every person evolves during his lifetime. I am not an exception. I feel that I am getting older and wiser year after year. I understand that wars happen on a regular basis. Weapons are made to destroy whatever you may imagine. Still, when I think of them it makes me very stressed. I have lived a peaceful life, I do it today as well. Nobody is bombing me, I am not a soldier and never been in the army. Maybe this is why I can write about it. I need it to go somewhere. These are my emotions. I am getting better. I still need some time to recover. But it is what I have been through many times already. I will go on. I will recover. I will see my relatives and friends smile and enjoy my company. I really like people. We are so different, we are unique in our talents. I will never ever say that we are good or bad. If you can’t find a way to forgive a person’s mistake – you are a mistake. If you give someone too many chances – you are an even bigger mistake. But don’t get me wrong. Some people are real animals. And they are not somebody you should hang out with. I hope this text will give a small insight of who I am to those who read my poems and essays. Thank you. It is always a pleasure to read comments. They make me understand that my blog is made not only for me, but for people sharing my opinion and give me more effort to continue writing. It really matters to me. I am not making money and not planning to. This blog is for sharing my emotions, my story and my struggle with mental disorder. It is a challenge that has changed my life completely. I have many thoughts on that, but it is a very long one. Maybe, someday, I will write something big and truly worthy of being proud of. As of now I will learn to write by writing. I have no tutors or mentors. This is only me and a text document.
I think I think too much. Forgive me for the pun. I could give my head a rest once in a while. To be honest, I like straining it. And I don’t usually see the coastline. What can you compare with a thought that goes into a stack of scribbled pages with? “Old fashioned” pages… Read more
Однажды, думая о счастье, Я понял, что я полный идиот. Я думал, что лишь в нем спасенье. Но оказалось, что оно не лучше, Протяжной смертной скуки и тоски. Ведь скука – это способ заново осмыслить, И разложить по полочкам мечты. Тоска же даст тот новый импульс, Чтобы опять почувствовать прилив любви. Я думаю, что стоит… Read more
Мы, как друзья. Милы, любимы, и, бескрайне. Мы… Счастливы. На нашем Свете. Когда душа, и, тело… Ждут победы, То сердце… Злобою кипит. Не слеп никто из нас. Мы родились, однажды… Вместе. На одной Планете. И, нам, так сложно… С достоинством. Eе прожить. Чтобы, смиренно… Господу… Ее отдать. Она взлетит. Как, Ангелы… И, голуби… Read more
Today I would like to be alone. I don’t want nobody near me. I do prefer a candle. And a sheel of paper. I do like poeople. I do like smalltalk. But, today, I have a candle… It is better, I feel safe, I feel silent, Non depressed. When your body, Is in best… Read more
We make a kiss. We make a slime. We have good mood. And we will never cry. Tois greatThe weather’s fineIt’s nny, rainy all the time. “You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.” ― oscar wilde I write… Read more
We live in a world, That is full of black shadows, We speak many lies. We do make mistakes… We see the sunshine. It makes us feel better… But do not make tries, To save it for later. Express yourself, make love, Do no harm. Accept gifts of God. And never be sorry. Just don’t… Read more
Я иногда думаю о том, как справится со своим миром вне и внутри себя. Это процесс сложный и витееватый. Однако, как и любой человек я расту духовно и морально, пытаясь разобраться в разных проблемах, которые меня тревожат или беспокоят. Это сложно.
Когда я думаю о будущем – я становлюсь мечтателем и в некоторой степени глупцом. Скажу больше – полным идиотом! Но, если нет мечты, то нет и желания жить.
Жить одним днем выходит не всегда, но я очень стараюсь сохранять здоровый и непоказной оптимизм – скажу честно – с утра не выходит. Днем уже проще. Вечером даже перебор. Так устроена моя биохимия. Так устроен мой мозг.
Если говорить проще, то все это связано с заболеванием. Но я проедпочитаю слово особенность. Это, безусловно, эвфемизм. Но он помогает почууствовать себя сильнее и чище. Он дает возможность проще относиться к себе и к предубеждениям со стороны окружающих. Мне это больше по душе.
Конечно, это не панацея – но это очень действенное слово.
Поэтому, подводя итог, я могу сказать тем, кого мучают чувство вины, уныние, тоска и вообще тяжко на душе …
Терпите. Ждите. Верьте в себя. Используйте любые костыли. В кавычках, конечно. Держитесь, в эти непростые времена и любите жизнь. Новой не будет.
I sometimes think about ways of dealing with my world outside and inside me. It is complicated and twisted process. However, like all of us, I am growing spiritually and morally, trying to make comprehend various issues that are troubling or bothering me. It’s complicated.
When I think about the future – I become a dreamer and a fool. I’ll say more – a complete idiot! But if there is no dream, there is no desire to live.
It is not always possible to live day by day, but I try very hard to keep a healthy and unpretentious optimism – to be honest, it does not work in the morning. In the afternoon it’s easier. In the evening, it’s is too much. That’s the way my biochemistry works. That’s how my brain works.
To put it more simply, it’s all about the illness. But I don’t like word. It’s certainly a euphemism. But it helps me feel stronger and purer. It makes you feel better about yourself and live up with the prejudices of others. I like it better this way.
Of course it’s not a miraculous cure, but it’s a very effective word.
So, to sum up, I can say to those who are tormented by guilt, sadness, longing and heavy mental and physical struggles …
Be patient. Wait. Believe in yourself. Use any crutches. In commas, of course. Hang in there, during these difficult times, and love life. There won’t be a new one.
The plot’s setting is a post-apocalyptic world where the majority of people live either in a poor, technologically backwards Urkaina [sic] (not to be confused with the present Ukraine, though the pun is likely intended) with about 300 million Russian speaking inhabitants with a capital city “Slava” or in a technologically advanced artificial flying city “Big Byz” (or “Byzantium”) which is locked in the sky above Urkaina and has a population of about 30 million, where English is used only as a Church language, Russian is used for regular communication.[3]
Действие сюжета происходит в постапокалиптическом мире, где большинство людей живет либо в бедной, технологически отсталой Уркаине (не путать с нынешней Украиной, хотя каламбур, вероятно, подразумевается) с примерно 300 миллионами русскоязычных жителей со столицей “Слава” или в технологически продвинутом искусственном летающем городе “Big Byz” (или “Византия”), который заперт в небе над Уркаиной и имеет население около 30 миллионов человек, где английский используется только как церковный язык, а русский используется для обычного общения”. [3]
Hi there fellows. I wanted to recommend this book to those who like utopias of a modern Russian author Viktor Pelevin. I am sure you know, that this book is written in many languages. Pelevin is one the most prolific and concrete writers in modern world. I absolutely adore his prose. There are all sort of storytelling quirks and revelations. He is a genius – it is a fact. Of course, his early books like Omon Ra, Generation P, and many more – you name it, were about a period of 90’s in Russia. These books depict lifes of protagonists with humor, sarcasm, esoterica and existential diversity. I have read these books when I was a teenager. His new books evolved into something else. Like all writers, Pelevin is growingly stepping towards being one of my favorite modern authors. He is extremely prophetic and his way of writing is sublime. It is absolutely a must to read at least one page of his short novels. Then you become absolutely addicted to his talent.
Здравствуйте, друзья. Я хотел порекомендовать эту книгу тем, кто любит утопии современного российского автора Виктора Пелевина. Я уверен, вы знаете, что эта книга написана на многих языках. Пелевин – один из самых плодовитых и цельных писателей в современном мире. Я просто обожаю его прозу. В ней есть всевозможные сюжетные причуды и откровения. Он гений – это факт. Конечно, его ранние книги, такие как “Омон Ра”, “Поколение П” были посвящены периоду 90-х годов в России. В этих книгах жизнь главных героев показана с юмором, сарказмом, эзотерикой и экзистенциальным разнообразием. Я читал эти книги, когда был подростком. Его новые книги превратились в нечто иное. Как и все писатели, Пелевин развился эволюционно и стал одним из любимых современных писателей поколения. Он чрезвычайно пророческий прозаик, а его манера письма восхитительна. Обязательно нужно прочитать хотя бы одну страницу из его коротких романов. Тогда вы станете абсолютно зависимы от его таланта.
“We were eighteen and had begun to love life and the world; and we had to shoot it to pieces. The first bomb, the first explosion, burst in our hearts. We are cut off from activity, from striving, from progress. We believe in such things no longer, we believe in the war.”
Il libro dell’amor mi annoia E pesa come l’anima È pieno di carezze al cuore E modi per danzare Ma Mi piace quando lo leggi tu E tu di più Tu puoi leggermi il cielo al blu Il libro dell’amore suona Nasce così la musica A volte un po’ banale, stona A volte solo stupida Ma Mi piace quando la canti tu E tu di più Tu puoi cantarmi il cielo al blu Il libro dell’amor mi annoia È stato scritto tanto tempo fa Pieno di fiori nella notte buia Che non sappiamo cogliere Ma Mi piace quando li cogli tu E tu di più Dovresti darmi fede in più E ma Mi piace quello che sei tu E tu di più Dovresti darmi fede in più Fedi nuziali e fede in più
I listen to this song,
I sing together with my soul.
I sing to heal, I sing to hear...
I sing to understand.
Why am I here and how...
How should I see my being?
How should tell my story.
Why am I writing verse?
What makes a person?
Man or woman?
Baby or a granny?
Why my eyes are old now?
Why are they so young?
When it's time to go to heaven?
Who is better? Who is right?
The answer for me...
I am stupid.
Never say...
You know everything...
Greek philosophy.
Socrates, Plato.
They were right.
And sometimes...
We may be as well.
But, we live in a different age.
Hone your skills.
Never ask for help,
If it isn't needed.
Don't be greedy.
I have sinned a lot.
Every of us had.
Don't forget to pray.
Thanks a lot.
Yours,
Ņikita Bogačovs.
Nikki,
Никита Богачёв.
29.06.2022.
“A walk about Paris will provide lessons in history, beauty, and in the point of Life.” – Thomas Jefferson.
“If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.” – Ernest Hemingway.
If you wan't to smoke
Peacefully with mates
Pipe of peace
Try to heal your thoughts
And go to heaven
Or nirvana
You need three things
A mate, a pipe, and will to listen
Here we are
On sunny beach
Or river
Smoking our fag
Or whatever does this role
We may talk
We may stay still
We may be teaching
Or become a friend
To the person
That is smoking with you
It's an old tradition
Of a men at war
Now, we can skip the negative
And find the positive
For us
Who are in love
Who are best friends
Or some of them
Who cannot stand each other
Everything may be solved
Just a talk
And peace...
I can’t find the help I need right now, By the time I write this verse, You will find me wandering about, Trying to comprehend the ways to love myself and others, You will know, If not already, That the best of ways to fight the sorrow, Is to live with peace with what will happen in tomorrow, Surely, we will perceive, Beheaded prose and then convey ourselves, That story has been told already, Still, we cannot judge a loving heart, And those who have their ways, Trying to destroy the myths and make the body, For this lifelong never-ending study, I do believe that person that provides, True love in any form or shape, Will it be the action or a simple word, Can die both from a sickness or from a motherfucking crazy world alone, No, no, no, no… Forget about it – will die in a peace, In peace with bloody body and his mind, A family, that will be gathering around him, Will bring him glass of shitty water, Or else I cannot understand, Why people do believe in God? Or fucking science based on silly studies… Whole population on this planet Earth, Is to be doomed by own belief, That we belong to our bodies, We don’t belong to ourselves, A constant fear that is inside me won’t die without pills, This crazy feeling that you are way behind, All of your family and friends, In terms of helping yourself out, And live a normal person’s live, Won’t die until I literally die, There is no fear of death – I don’t possess it, And maybe it’s the only fear, That I can fight with ease, Because my life is not for making silly jokes, About a crazy mind of mine When you cannot go out, When you can’t listen people talking, About cars and mortgages, money, sex.. I do think that this situation is not like you can open an umbrella, And suddenly become a Cinderella, Exactly opposite – you are ahead of schedule while you’re young, And then for all of a sudden, You start to melt apart… How happy can a person be, While walking somewhere looking at the sky, Trying to find sun? I guess my mission on this Earth is to teach, Teach my own body and my crazy head, That I have purpose that is bigger, Then just a walk around the niceties of regular life, I rather would accept it… However, on a plus side – I have all time in the world to think about my future and never guess right.