Long read

I am here to express my thoughts and develop skills in writing poems. I am seeking for people, who might address some of the lines as something written about our common problems. I know, that we are all different in every way. That’s great! But my experience with mental illness had shown, that problems and fears are almost the same. Of course, diagnoses differ, they are of all sorts of behavioral and pathological problems. I have lived with my mental disorder for more that 10 years. It is a long run, believe it or not. Through this period of suffering, being delusional, depressed, being admitted to hospitals both in Latvia and the UK has been a massacre. I never self-harmed myself, but I had dozens of other problems, when illness stroke back. I could have died for a number of times during psychosis. I was completely delusional for about 2-4 months in a row. Once I’ve had it without being hospitalized. My mind and body worked without sleep, the information flowing through my brain was colossal. I remembered every person I have met, every name, etc… It felt, like your brain is using enormous amount of it’s resources. These episodes were absolutely disastrous for my family and friends. But I have to say, I’m lucky. Almost every family member and most of my friends did not leave me, quite the opposite, they have supported me since. I am forever thankful to this great people. They are, metaphorically speaking, angels from above. I would have been dead for sure now, if they wouldn’t have been around me. By the way, I have manifested, when I was 19, year 2008. The doctors said to my mommy, that I am not gonna get normal, all that could help me was my intellectual capability. After that I have been in hospital for three months and finally discharged. I have started thinking of what can I do next. I was young, full of ambitions and goals. I have recovered for a while. This was time to reorder my strengths and weaknesses and give it a bash. Thankfully, my illness is of an episodic nature, but these episodes are quite long. I’ve decided to go to university to become a professional translator and interpreter. And I have succeeded. After 5 years I’ve become a Bachelor. Constantly drinking medication, with enormous difficulties to wake up for a lecture or an exam. I have walked miles to and from university to home. Therefore I was fit as well. Afterwards, I was working in my homeland – Latvia as a translator. I have managed to work at home and translate a couple of books. This was hard, but very interesting and developing me as a professional. There were strict deadlines, and you had to be very accurate in the job of translating. Then I have moved to the UK. I’ve worked there at a warehouse and have been trying to find something suitable in interpretation. Then it kinda sucked me in. I have started feeling that something is wrong. Pressure was mounting and finished with my breakdown right at the warehouse. I have gone to hospital. And this is where I am getting back to poetry. I have started writing poems for all of sudden. Previously I only did some essays on a given topic in Russian. It was distracting me from other problems and I was happy, that I could express myself this way. I understand, it’s not perfect, not for everybody. English is not my mother tongue, it is also a barrier in making good poems from my perspective. Active vocabulary is gradually going down, as I don’t have native speaking friends. But I am doing my best. I write every line as sincerely, as possible. It helps me out. And I hope, somebody may like some of them.

Thanks to those didn’t stop reading and read this article till the very end. I am grateful to all of you.

Thank you. Best wishes, Nikki.

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I have no worries

That did exist

I have true story

That I have lived with

I am a mentally disabled

With will to live

I’m not afraid to die

I do enjoy my life today

I haven’t got a wife and kids

I do have little sister

I’m her brother and a friend

I love her more that anybody

I do like watching her becoming

A teenager with lovely face

She is a mate, that gives me will

To be a little stronger than I am

Sometimes, I fall with no way back

And every step I make to climb

I thanks to many people, that’s a fact  

But most of all it’s silent help from her

I want to see her grow and talk about her goals

I want to stay with her, when it is needed

I want to let her go, when she is ready

To start her own life full of joy

Thank you, my little kitten.