Monthly Archives: December 2022

Aside

Поэтов много ли родилось? 

Иду за одиночеством,

Или оно идет за мной?

Не понимаю свое творчество.

Оно лишь просит – дай еще.

Потом, лукаво улыбаясь,

Садится жопою в говно…

А дальше все вопросы типа,

А для кого оно? 

И тут иль не та тема,

Иль содержание столь слабо.

Или идея все ж таки не айс.

Не докрутил, неикренне и чересчур правдиво…

Да клал я на фидбек, если я сам почуствовал, что криво.

И клал гораздо больше, когда родилось искреннее чтиво.

Есть муза – напишу.

Нет – всё сотру к хуям!

Поэтов много ли родилось? 

Не думаю…

Да и поэт ли сам?

Advertisement

When I’m in love

I love you Catherine, still 

While I am away 

While you are everywhere 

Where I can see the light

The light of happiness and love 

True story, I am not a fool 

Who is to blame for never-ending passion 

For you, a lady of my dreams 

That never will become my girl

My wife and mother of my children 

You are an angel for me from above 

Thus, I will pray to just remember 

Your face, your smile and all your heart 

I understand, that we cannot pretend 

That something sparkled right between us

It was a dream, my goal – I didn’t pass 

But I believe, that we have been 

Like friends – a future doctor and an elder patient 

Who are in love.

Будто никогда

Живя и просто и неприхотливо,
На бочке с порохом сидя,
Не так уж плох мой срез извилин.
Уж точно можно не винить себя.
За то, что путь мой необычен,
И видно из надзорного окна,
Как в клеточку халаты на убийцах,
Идут прогуливаться у пруда.
А я сижу в этой палате,
Уже недели три без сна,
Курить можно четыре раза.
А выйти будто никогда.
Понять мне в миг так трудно,
Что это сделает сильней меня.
Я искуплю грехи своя,
Я не надену униформу, 
Больничного покроя никогда.
Уроки, впрочем, не усвою я.
Если чердак опять прорвет,
То заберут в наручниках,
Тупые два мента в скоряк.
И я поеду, как в кортеже,
В тот желтый дом на холм.
И там мне снова станет трудно,
Но также ясно, что я болен.
И это мой кармический прием,
В психушке повалятся вдоволь.
Пока на место голова не встанет.
А там, опять в свой теплый дом.

I’d love to see

I'd love to see my path as happy
And it for sure is somewhat likely to be called
As happy with a bunch of troubles
But narrow it is not - it's made of different cards
I have my loving family of ladies
I have my strong and pretty mom
I have my all - my teenage sister
And wisest granny is with us
We are quite poor - but it is not a trouble
We have strong bond and hold each other
When someone suffers - we are there to help 
When it is time to laugh or smile
We do it up to tears full of cries
We love each other
I am a richest person in the world
When I see all my ladies smiling 
When I have them near me
When I can also give them helping hand.

I am here to recover

I am not destined to suffer
I am here to recover
I believe that I can receive
I love to help and give.

There is something in my mind 
That I cannot change 
Though I can forever find
That I’m here for you, my dear friend.

A mistake is not a problem
If you are honest and say sorry
It is worse by a mile 
When you pretend and lie without worry.

Just wondering

We live with different fears 

Sometimes it kills our future

I want to disappear someday

And start from scratch

Begin a journey without knowledge

Once I was full of hope

I have been young and stupid

Now I am like a tree 

That has no leaves

I do have roots and rigid body

But life is not about trees

It is about journey  

That once has started 

And may be full of dignity

Or may be full of shame 

Or both belong the same

To us at our body

I love to hear the nature

I love to be more silent 

I hate to cry

I try to help

Those falling down

And give my friendship

To live in peace 

With my own head and soul

For they are my identity

That I can use

For good or bad.

Aside

I am recovering and hoping for better

I’d like to write about my last episode of psychosis. It happened this spring. I have been hospitalized for 1,5 months. It all started to happen for me with growing anxiety and overall stress because of the war in Ukraine. I have many relatives in different parts of this country. We have started to communicate more since it began. I keep thinking about this madness. I keep thinking about the cruelty of war. In my opinion, it should stop as soon as possible. But, who am I to decide on whether it should stop or not. I only think that there is little hope for me to stop thinking about it even when it ends. I hope that I am wrong, but this hatred will not end. This suffering does not go along with what humanity should look like. Yes, we are apes, we have all kinds of instincts that can become dangerous, but we also have the intellect to make our life peaceful. We are here for a reason. Every person evolves during his lifetime. I am not an exception. I feel that I am getting older and wiser year after year. I understand that wars happen on a regular basis. Weapons are made to destroy whatever you may imagine. Still, when I think of them it makes me very stressed. I have lived a peaceful life, I do it today as well. Nobody is bombing me, I am not a soldier and never been in the army. Maybe this is why I can write about it. I need it to go somewhere. These are my emotions. I am getting better. I still need some time to recover. But it is what I have been through many times already. I will go on. I will recover. I will see my relatives and friends smile and enjoy my company. I really like people. We are so different, we are unique in our talents. I will never ever say that we are good or bad. If you can’t find a way to forgive a person’s mistake – you are a mistake. If you give someone too many chances – you are an even bigger mistake. But don’t get me wrong. Some people are real animals. And they are not somebody you should hang out with. I hope this text will give a small insight of who I am to those who read my poems and essays. Thank you. It is always a pleasure to read comments. They make me understand that my blog is made not only for me, but for people sharing my opinion and give me more effort to continue writing. It really matters to me. I am not making money and not planning to. This blog is for sharing my emotions, my story and my struggle with mental disorder. It is a challenge that has changed my life completely. I have many thoughts on that, but it is a very long one. Maybe, someday, I will write something big and truly worthy of being proud of. As of now I will learn to write by writing. I have no tutors or mentors. This is only me and a text document.

  • I think I think too much. Forgive me for the pun. I could give my head a rest once in a while. To be honest, I like straining it. And I don’t usually see the coastline. What can you compare with a thought that goes into a stack of scribbled pages with? “Old fashioned” pages… Read more

  • Дорога понимания

    Однажды, думая о счастье, Я понял, что я полный идиот. Я думал, что лишь в нем спасенье. Но оказалось, что оно не лучше, Протяжной смертной скуки и тоски. Ведь скука – это способ заново осмыслить, И разложить по полочкам мечты. Тоска же даст тот новый импульс, Чтобы опять почувствовать прилив любви. Я думаю, что стоит… Read more

  • Жизнь.

    Мы, как друзья. Милы, любимы, и, бескрайне. Мы… Счастливы.   На нашем Свете.  Когда душа, и, тело…  Ждут победы,  То сердце…   Злобою кипит.  Не слеп никто из нас.  Мы родились, однажды…  Вместе. На одной Планете.  И, нам, так сложно…  С достоинством. Eе прожить.  Чтобы, смиренно…  Господу…  Ее отдать.  Она взлетит.  Как, Ангелы…  И, голуби… Read more

  • Physical exercise.

    Today I would like to be alone.  I don’t want nobody near me.  I do prefer a candle.  And a sheel of paper.  I do like poeople.  I do like smalltalk.  But, today,   I have a candle…  It is better,  I feel safe,   I feel silent,  Non depressed.  When your body,  Is in best… Read more

  • Do not be rude.

    Do not be rude.

    We make a kiss. We make a slime. We have good mood. And we will never cry. Tois greatThe weather’s fineIt’s nny, rainy all the time. “You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.” ― oscar wilde I write… Read more

  • Mistakes.

    Mistakes.

    We live in a world, That is full of black shadows, We speak many lies. We do make mistakes… We see the sunshine. It makes us feel better… But do not make tries, To save it for later. Express yourself, make love, Do no harm. Accept gifts of God. And never be sorry. Just don’t… Read more