I am recovering and hoping for better

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I’d like to write about my last episode of psychosis. It happened this spring. I have been hospitalized for 1,5 months. It all started to happen for me with growing anxiety and overall stress because of the war in Ukraine. I have many relatives in different parts of this country. We have started to communicate more since it began. I keep thinking about this madness. I keep thinking about the cruelty of war. In my opinion, it should stop as soon as possible. But, who am I to decide on whether it should stop or not. I only think that there is little hope for me to stop thinking about it even when it ends. I hope that I am wrong, but this hatred will not end. This suffering does not go along with what humanity should look like. Yes, we are apes, we have all kinds of instincts that can become dangerous, but we also have the intellect to make our life peaceful. We are here for a reason. Every person evolves during his lifetime. I am not an exception. I feel that I am getting older and wiser year after year. I understand that wars happen on a regular basis. Weapons are made to destroy whatever you may imagine. Still, when I think of them it makes me very stressed. I have lived a peaceful life, I do it today as well. Nobody is bombing me, I am not a soldier and never been in the army. Maybe this is why I can write about it. I need it to go somewhere. These are my emotions. I am getting better. I still need some time to recover. But it is what I have been through many times already. I will go on. I will recover. I will see my relatives and friends smile and enjoy my company. I really like people. We are so different, we are unique in our talents. I will never ever say that we are good or bad. If you can’t find a way to forgive a person’s mistake – you are a mistake. If you give someone too many chances – you are an even bigger mistake. But don’t get me wrong. Some people are real animals. And they are not somebody you should hang out with. I hope this text will give a small insight of who I am to those who read my poems and essays. Thank you. It is always a pleasure to read comments. They make me understand that my blog is made not only for me, but for people sharing my opinion and give me more effort to continue writing. It really matters to me. I am not making money and not planning to. This blog is for sharing my emotions, my story and my struggle with mental disorder. It is a challenge that has changed my life completely. I have many thoughts on that, but it is a very long one. Maybe, someday, I will write something big and truly worthy of being proud of. As of now I will learn to write by writing. I have no tutors or mentors. This is only me and a text document.

• I think I think too much. Forgive me for the pun. I could give my head a rest once in a while. To be honest, I like straining it. And I don’t usually see the coastline. What can you compare with a thought that goes into a stack of scribbled pages with? “Old fashioned” pages… Read more

  2022-11-22

• Дорога понимания

  Однажды, думая о счастье, Я понял, что я полный идиот. Я думал, что лишь в нем спасенье. Но оказалось, что оно не лучше, Протяжной смертной скуки и тоски. Ведь скука – это способ заново осмыслить, И разложить по полочкам мечты. Тоска же даст тот новый импульс, Чтобы опять почувствовать прилив любви. Я думаю, что стоит… Read more

  2022-11-20

• Жизнь.

  Мы, как друзья. Милы, любимы, и, бескрайне. Мы… Счастливы.   На нашем Свете.  Когда душа, и, тело…  Ждут победы,  То сердце…   Злобою кипит.  Не слеп никто из нас.  Мы родились, однажды…  Вместе. На одной Планете.  И, нам, так сложно…  С достоинством. Eе прожить.  Чтобы, смиренно…  Господу…  Ее отдать.  Она взлетит.  Как, Ангелы…  И, голуби… Read more

  2022-07-08

• Physical exercise.

  Today I would like to be alone.  I don’t want nobody near me.  I do prefer a candle.  And a sheel of paper.  I do like poeople.  I do like smalltalk.  But, today,   I have a candle…  It is better,  I feel safe,   I feel silent,  Non depressed.  When your body,  Is in best… Read more

  2022-06-26

• Эссе про становление личности.

  Мы думаем, что можем изменить многое. Но можем мы очень мало. Только представьте, что процесс мышления и выполнения своих задач требует неимоверной работы нашего мозга. Это процессор, который работает на все органы в теле человека. Если не пытаться отдыхать, то можно оглохнуть, ослепнуть, потерять зрение.  Есть такая фраза – ничего не вижу, ничего не слышу,… Read more

  2022-05-26

• Каждый новый день – это подарок.

  Каждый новый час – игра. Все мы, как усталые вороны. Ищем пропитания. Мы не будем сомневаться. Мы лишь будем жить. Мы искали без скитаний… То, что нужно лишь достать. Не рукою, не деньгами… Лишь душою отворя. Каждый день – это начало. Кажда ночь – это конец. Помните про это право. И любите свою жизнь. Read more

  2022-05-26