Category Archives: essays

Aside

I am recovering and hoping for better

I’d like to write about my last episode of psychosis. It happened this spring. I have been hospitalized for 1,5 months. It all started to happen for me with growing anxiety and overall stress because of the war in Ukraine. I have many relatives in different parts of this country. We have started to communicate more since it began. I keep thinking about this madness. I keep thinking about the cruelty of war. In my opinion, it should stop as soon as possible. But, who am I to decide on whether it should stop or not. I only think that there is little hope for me to stop thinking about it even when it ends. I hope that I am wrong, but this hatred will not end. This suffering does not go along with what humanity should look like. Yes, we are apes, we have all kinds of instincts that can become dangerous, but we also have the intellect to make our life peaceful. We are here for a reason. Every person evolves during his lifetime. I am not an exception. I feel that I am getting older and wiser year after year. I understand that wars happen on a regular basis. Weapons are made to destroy whatever you may imagine. Still, when I think of them it makes me very stressed. I have lived a peaceful life, I do it today as well. Nobody is bombing me, I am not a soldier and never been in the army. Maybe this is why I can write about it. I need it to go somewhere. These are my emotions. I am getting better. I still need some time to recover. But it is what I have been through many times already. I will go on. I will recover. I will see my relatives and friends smile and enjoy my company. I really like people. We are so different, we are unique in our talents. I will never ever say that we are good or bad. If you can’t find a way to forgive a person’s mistake – you are a mistake. If you give someone too many chances – you are an even bigger mistake. But don’t get me wrong. Some people are real animals. And they are not somebody you should hang out with. I hope this text will give a small insight of who I am to those who read my poems and essays. Thank you. It is always a pleasure to read comments. They make me understand that my blog is made not only for me, but for people sharing my opinion and give me more effort to continue writing. It really matters to me. I am not making money and not planning to. This blog is for sharing my emotions, my story and my struggle with mental disorder. It is a challenge that has changed my life completely. I have many thoughts on that, but it is a very long one. Maybe, someday, I will write something big and truly worthy of being proud of. As of now I will learn to write by writing. I have no tutors or mentors. This is only me and a text document.

  • I think I think too much. Forgive me for the pun. I could give my head a rest once in a while. To be honest, I like straining it. And I don’t usually see the coastline. What can you compare with a thought that goes into a stack of scribbled pages with? “Old fashioned” pages… Read more

  • Дорога понимания

    Однажды, думая о счастье, Я понял, что я полный идиот. Я думал, что лишь в нем спасенье. Но оказалось, что оно не лучше, Протяжной смертной скуки и тоски. Ведь скука – это способ заново осмыслить, И разложить по полочкам мечты. Тоска же даст тот новый импульс, Чтобы опять почувствовать прилив любви. Я думаю, что стоит… Read more

  • Жизнь.

    Мы, как друзья. Милы, любимы, и, бескрайне. Мы… Счастливы.   На нашем Свете.  Когда душа, и, тело…  Ждут победы,  То сердце…   Злобою кипит.  Не слеп никто из нас.  Мы родились, однажды…  Вместе. На одной Планете.  И, нам, так сложно…  С достоинством. Eе прожить.  Чтобы, смиренно…  Господу…  Ее отдать.  Она взлетит.  Как, Ангелы…  И, голуби… Read more

  • Physical exercise.

    Today I would like to be alone.  I don’t want nobody near me.  I do prefer a candle.  And a sheel of paper.  I do like poeople.  I do like smalltalk.  But, today,   I have a candle…  It is better,  I feel safe,   I feel silent,  Non depressed.  When your body,  Is in best… Read more

  • Эссе про становление личности.

    Мы думаем, что можем изменить многое. Но можем мы очень мало. Только представьте, что процесс мышления и выполнения своих задач требует неимоверной работы нашего мозга. Это процессор, который работает на все органы в теле человека. Если не пытаться отдыхать, то можно оглохнуть, ослепнуть, потерять зрение.  Есть такая фраза – ничего не вижу, ничего не слышу,… Read more

  • Каждый новый день – это подарок.

    Каждый новый час – игра. Все мы, как усталые вороны. Ищем пропитания. Мы не будем сомневаться. Мы лишь будем жить. Мы искали без скитаний… То, что нужно лишь достать. Не рукою, не деньгами… Лишь душою отворя. Каждый день – это начало. Кажда ночь – это конец. Помните про это право. И любите свою жизнь. Read more

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Aside

I think I think too much. Forgive me for the pun. I could give my head a rest once in a while. To be honest, I like straining it. And I don’t usually see the coastline. What can you compare with a thought that goes into a stack of scribbled pages with? “Old fashioned” pages of paper. If you have a computer at hand, it’s gone. Literally. Write, till you drop dead. Manuscripts don’t burn, but a laptop and its hard drive can’t be as reliable. Writing in general is rarely of good quality. On one hand we need form and content. We should also find common ground. It would be nice to set the subject. But most often it ends up being autobiographical and too personal. You can’t stay away from it. But it is desirable to let the essay rest until morning to look at it with fresh eyes. Then, if it works, you have to edit it. I’m not very good at editing, either. So what’s the end result? In fact, if I’m attentive to the details of my experience through narration, one in ten essays will appeal to me. And three more will say something about it. On such occasions, I present myself as an ‘exclusive’ and ‘underground’ writer not for everyone. Rome was not built in a day. I did not immediately come to the idea that it was worth sharing my soul. After all, I write from the soul. So I share it. I started a blog. There is prose and poetry. Of varying quality. But I’m trying to turn it all into cohesive content. It’s not perfect yet, but I’m trying. I would like to have regular readers here. But the most regular reader is me. Sometimes I take a break. That’s very important. I don’t turn it into a craft. Maybe I should. But, then, I need someone to point me in the right direction. What needs to be fixed? What to give up and what to add. How to change myself and start writing for real. Oh, if only I knew. I’d be living in Sochi with that kind of money. No, I’d still be living there. And I’d write in the same style. My muse periodically comes to flood my corner with scribbled notebooks and drafts in Word. Then the muse goes away and my brain starts working. There is no graph mania, but if you wish, you can burst out a congratulatory verse in honor of the birthday boy. Not bad either. Some people get a kick out of it. I like to hear in such a situation something in the vein of “I was given a poem for the first time in my life”. Or you bring up some philosophical idea that was born in the course of a dialogue, and you hear “you’re a very interesting person”. All that remains is to sing. And so the days go by. Sometimes what I wrote in another mental state looks like it wasn’t written by me. The text is very strange, but profound.


We think we can change many things. But we can do very little. Just imagine that the process of thinking and performing our tasks requires an incredible amount of work on our brain. It is a processor that works on all the organs in the human body. If you do not try to rest, you may go deaf, go blind, lose your sight. There is a phrase – see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing. It’s the perfect wife. But if you look at it from the other side of the coin, it turns out that everything is exactly the opposite. A woman must hear, must see, and, must speak. The right thing to do is to look for a man who’s close in spirit. I mean the one, the only one. It gives an opportunity to live in harmony. It gives strength. It allows to earn. It gives joy. It gives hope. It enlightens the mind. It clears the mind and the subconscious. It gives pleasant dreams, it gives creative ideas. It’s never superfluous, but you have to understand that marriage is hard work. Raising children is an important and never-ending job. It is worth doing responsibly and without rest. But as the child grows, the worries only multiply. The crises that a child goes through take a heavy toll on his psyche. He/she needs care, love and affection. When all crises are over – adulthood begins. This is another blow to the psyche. Not everybody can enter it quickly and easily. But everyone tries to make it work. This is a good thing. But one shouldn’t forget about rest. It is important. Rest always brings new strength and new strength means new opportunities. Children are the flowers of life. Teenagers learn about the adult world. Adults start families, get educated, build careers. All of these things are necessary for personal growth.

I sometimes think about how to cope with my world outside and inside myself. It is a complicated and convoluted process. However, like any human being I am growing spiritually and morally, trying to make sense of the different issues that are troubling or worrying me. It’s complicated. When I think about the future – I become a dreamer and somewhat of a fool. I’ll say more – a complete idiot! But if there is no dream, there is no desire to live. It’s not always possible to live one day, but I try very hard to maintain a healthy and unpretentious optimism – honestly, it doesn’t come out in the morning. The afternoons are easier. The evenings are even too much. That’s the way my biochemistry works. That’s how my brain works. To put it simply, it’s all about illness. But I’m pro-educated about the word peculiarity. It’s certainly a euphemism. But it helps me feel stronger and cleaner. It makes you feel better about yourself and the prejudices of others. I’m more comfortable with that. Of course, it’s not a panacea – but it’s a very effective word. So, to sum up, I can say to those who are tormented by guilt, despondency, homesickness and generally heavy spirit … Be patient. Wait. Have faith in yourself. Use any crutches. In quotes, of course. Hang in there, in these difficult times, and love life. There won’t be a new one.


We were born to live life with dignity. We are created by the Almighty, which has a great responsibility under it. Be it Christ, Buddha, Prophet Mohammed. Monotheism, polytheism, Zoroastrianism… In short, it’s about the night. We are very weak. The body is weak, the soul is weak. But, only a trial can turn it all 180 degrees. When one thinks, creates, works, is lazy, reads, learns… He learns the laws of the universe – earthly and dogmatic. When a man finds himself, finds a profession and earns money – he can begin to build a life according to his mind. Family, children, relatives and friends. You can help everybody, they will also help you. If you look for something, nothing will work. You have to let go of the reins. And then, everything will work out and go on as if by magic. It is not an axiom; life presents surprises time after time. But it is worth trying. It is an absolute rule of life on earth and in the body. If you do not seek inspiration, the muse will not come. If you do not look for work, it will not come. But if you look for salvation within yourself, it will come. With all that entails. It is a simple rule. And it is worth remembering. Never struggle with what is beyond your control. Never try to take on a burden you can’t handle. And to finish… We are God’s people. We are his slaves. Don’t forget that you can’t gamble with Him. Never. That’s the end of it. Love, be loved, respect and be respected.

Aside

Размышления на закате дня

Я иногда думаю о том, как справится со своим миром вне и внутри себя. Это процесс сложный и витееватый. Однако, как и любой человек я расту духовно и морально, пытаясь разобраться в разных проблемах, которые меня тревожат или беспокоят. Это сложно.  

Когда я думаю о будущем – я становлюсь мечтателем и в некоторой степени глупцом. Скажу больше – полным идиотом! Но, если нет мечты, то нет и желания жить.  

Жить одним днем выходит не всегда, но я очень стараюсь сохранять здоровый и непоказной оптимизм – скажу честно – с утра не выходит. Днем уже проще. Вечером даже перебор. Так устроена моя биохимия. Так устроен мой мозг. 

Если говорить проще, то все это связано с заболеванием. Но я проедпочитаю слово особенность. Это, безусловно, эвфемизм. Но он помогает почууствовать себя сильнее и чище. Он дает возможность проще относиться к себе и к предубеждениям со стороны окружающих. Мне это больше по душе.  

Конечно, это не панацея – но это очень действенное слово. 

Поэтому, подводя итог, я могу сказать тем, кого мучают чувство вины, уныние, тоска и вообще тяжко на душе …  

Терпите. Ждите. Верьте в себя. Используйте любые костыли. В кавычках, конечно. Держитесь, в эти непростые времена и любите жизнь. Новой не будет.  

I sometimes think about ways of dealing with my world outside and inside me. It is complicated and twisted process. However, like all of us, I am growing spiritually and morally, trying to make comprehend various issues that are troubling or bothering me. It’s complicated.  

When I think about the future – I become a dreamer and a fool. I’ll say more – a complete idiot! But if there is no dream, there is no desire to live.  

It is not always possible to live day by day, but I try very hard to keep a healthy and unpretentious optimism – to be honest, it does not work in the morning. In the afternoon it’s easier. In the evening, it’s is too much. That’s the way my biochemistry works. That’s how my brain works. 

To put it more simply, it’s all about the illness. But I don’t like word. It’s certainly a euphemism. But it helps me feel stronger and purer. It makes you feel better about yourself and live up with the prejudices of others. I like it better this way.  

Of course it’s not a miraculous cure, but it’s a very effective word. 

So, to sum up, I can say to those who are tormented by guilt, sadness, longing and heavy mental and physical struggles …  

Be patient. Wait. Believe in yourself. Use any crutches. In commas, of course. Hang in there, during these difficult times, and love life. There won’t be a new one.

Эссе про становление личности.

Мы думаем, что можем изменить многое. Но можем мы очень мало. Только представьте, что процесс мышления и выполнения своих задач требует неимоверной работы нашего мозга. Это процессор, который работает на все органы в теле человека. Если не пытаться отдыхать, то можно оглохнуть, ослепнуть, потерять зрение.

 Есть такая фраза – ничего не вижу, ничего не слышу, ничего не говорю. Это идеальная жена. Но, если посмотреть на это с другой стороны медали, то получается, что все ровно наоборот.

Женщина должна слышать, должна видеть, и, обязана говорить. Правильнее всего искать человека близкого по духу. Я имею в виду ту самую – единственную. Это дает возможность жить в гармонии.

Это дает силы. Это позволяет заработать. Это дарит радость. Это дарит надежду. Это просветляет ум. Это очищает разум и подсознание. Снятся приятные сны, рождаются творческие идеи. Это никогда не бывает лишним, но, стоит понимать, что брак – это тяжелый труд.

 Воспитание детей – это архиважная и бесконечная работа. Ее стоит выполнять ответственно и без отдыха. Но по мере того, как ребенок растет – заботы только преумножаются. Кризисы, которые ребенок переживает, тяжело сказываются на его психологическом состоянии. Ему нужна забота, любовь, ласка.

Когда все кризисы преодолены – наступает взрослая жизнь. Это еще один удар по психике. Не все умеют в нее войти быстро и с легкостью. Но все пытаются добиться результата. Это хорошо.

 Но не стоит забывать об отдыхе. Он важен. От отдыха всегда появляются новые силы, а новые силы – это новые возможности.

Дети – цветы жизни. Подростки познают взрослый мир. Взрослые создают семьи, получают образование, строят карьеры. Все эти вещи необходимы для становления личности.

Some lines

Hi there, I have some kind of a mood, that makes me want to write again. Happily, I won’t manage to write a lot:) But I like these lines, they are honest. I haven’t been posting for quite a time. I just didn’t have time mostly. The main reason, for sure, was that I had some drafts that were bad. I have deleted them right away. Maybe, I didn’t have something clear and truthful to say. Now I have. Please, make some comments guys. I really need some feedback. I don’t have a lot of subscribers, I am not ready to connect this blog to facebook or twitter. I am not really sure, whether someone else apart from me needs these thoughts and “poems” written here. I am not anonymous here, but I can clearly see that my blog doesn’t really attract readers. I can’t say, that I am sad about that. I understand, that my blog is about me and for me – posts I make here happen during different periods of my struggles with mental disorder. It can be disturbing and hard to read all I have posted here. By the way, at the moment I am feeling fine and stable. For the past 2 years I didn’t have any major problems with my illness. I live a quiet life, I try to do things, that can distract me and help avoiding from falling into psychosis. I try to do my own part and enjoy my life as it is. I try to love myself. I love all those around me. Thank you, dear all!

Today I speak a bit more freely

I hear more truth that’s very healing

I know that my opinion matters

When somebody is going backwards.

Someday I’ll see this come to end

But I would surely have a friend

No matter where, no matter how

I will keep fighting till I drown.

Can you adapt to being chronically ill?

The question above is quite hard to answer briefly. I have many thoughts, but I still don’t have an answer that is clear and simple. It depends on many aspects. Being disabled means you’re not fully adapted for an independent life, but in many cases you can still work, be sociable, make family, etc. It is also important to mention that illness, whether it is physical or mental, takes a lot of time to adapt. You actually need a lot of time to fight yourself and understand your new way of life. You start to think that you may win the battle with it and illness will just disappear. Or you may start to feel depressed and loose the ground beneath you. I’ve had a long journey with my mental disorder. I write here to address readers, who deal with this kind of pain. I know that many people suffer from stigma. I know, how hard it is to understand, that your life will never be as easy as it has been before you’ve changed for good. I am trying to find something positive in things that surround me daily or briefly. I write this now and I am happy that I can concentrate for long enough to finish my thoughts and stay in one piece. English isn’t my mother tongue, but I love writing and I love English. That is why I do it. I really believe that at some point people will find a solution to make a breakthrough in medication. To some extent it has already happened. Imagine, how hard it was back then, when there was no treatment for patients at all. Now I can drink medication and live a life with certain restrictions, but it does help. I remember years at the “beginning” when I refused to drink my drugs. So I didn’t drink them at all for a year. It is common among new patients. But after this mistake I clearly understood that medication really can help. I can control my ups and downs more easily with my doctor. And I can live happily and enjoy my life. Thanks for reading.

Good mood

Hi there, I have some kind of a mood, that makes me want to write again. Happily, I won’t manage to write a lot:) But I like these lines, they are honest. I haven’t been posting for quite a time. I just didn’t have time mostly. The main reason, for sure, was that I had some drafts that were bad. I have deleted them right away. Maybe, I didn’t have something clear and truthful to say. Now I have. Please, make some comments guys. I really need some feedback. I don’t have a lot of subscribers, I am not ready to connect this blog to facebook or twitter. I am not really sure, whether someone else apart from me needs these thoughts and “poems” written here. I am not anonymous here, but I can clearly see that my blog doesn’t really attract readers. I can’t say, that I am sad about that. I understand, that my blog is about me and for me – posts I make here happen during different periods of my struggles with mental disorder. It can be disturbing and hard to read all I have posted here. By the way, at the moment I am feeling fine and stable. For the past 2 years I didn’t have any major problems with my illness. I live a quiet life, I try to do things, that can distract me and help avoiding from falling into psychosis. I try to do my own part and enjoy my life as it is. I try to love myself. I love all those around me. Thank you, dear all!

Today I speak a bit more freely

I hear more truth that’s very healing

I know that my opinion matters

When somebody is going backwards.

Someday I’ll see this come to end

But I would surely have a friend

No matter where, no matter how

I will keep fighting till I drown.

Whispering

Your dream of fresh start

Of life as a whole

It’s not gonna happen

This day or next year

But you start to whisper

To those

Who might hear

You say

I am better

Today

And you cry

To stop all the trouble

That took you in life

You are at the bottom

Of your deepest vibes

Your mind wants to test you

Again and again

You may need some resting

You need to be calm

Bring more love together

And stop going back…

confession

We live, we fuck

We make a drug

We save some shit for later

But nobody will die

Unless we need

An unforgiving shelter

We live, we die

We make our presence

While we are alive

I know we are

Immortal now and then

But any of you

Have you been in hell?

Or have you been

In heaven, knowing it is real?

I have been

I have been, while being utterly deluded

I’ve seen the God and Heaven

Am I a stupid piece of shit?

I’ve felt it, it was real!

Fuck it, do I care?

Oh, have you seen it?

I wish you ‘ve felt it as i did…