Let us speak…

Pushkin says that nanny is his best friend.

I can say that my Granny is equally brilliant.

Loving her wisdom, strength and enormous spirit.

She is 85. Turned this April.

My love, you are an angel.

2 ноября

Зима. Что делать нам в деревне? Я встречаю Слугу, несущего мне утром чашку чаю, Вопросами: тепло ль? утихла ли метель? Пороша есть иль нет? и можно ли постель Покинуть для седла, иль лучше до обеда Возиться с старыми журналами соседа? Пороша. Мы встаем, и тотчас на коня, И рысью по полю при первом свете дня; Арапники в руках, собаки вслед за нами; Глядим на бледный снег прилежными глазами; Кружимся, рыскаем и поздней уж порой, Двух зайцев протравив, являемся домой. Куда как весело! Вот вечер: вьюга воет; Свеча темно горит; стесняясь, сердце ноет; По капле, медленно глотаю скуки яд. Читать хочу; глаза над буквами скользят, А мысли далеко… Я книгу закрываю; Беру перо, сижу; насильно вырываю У музы дремлющей несвязные слова. Ко звуку звук нейдет… Теряю все права Над рифмой, над моей прислужницею странной: Стих вяло тянется, холодный и туманный. Усталый, с лирою я прекращаю спор, Иду в гостиную; там слышу разговор О близких выборах, о сахарном заводе; Хозяйка хмурится в подобие погоде, Стальными спицами проворно шевеля, Иль про червонного гадает короля. Тоска! Так день за днем идет в уединеньи! Но если под вечер в печальное селенье, Когда за шашками сижу я в уголке, Приедет издали в кибитке иль возке Нежданая семья: старушка, две девицы (Две белокурые, две стройные сестрицы),- Как оживляется глухая сторона! Как жизнь, о боже мой, становится полна! Сначала косвенно-внимательные взоры, Потом слов несколько, потом и разговоры, А там и дружный смех, и песни вечерком, И вальсы резвые, и шопот за столом, И взоры томные, и ветреные речи, На узкой лестнице замедленные встречи; И дева в сумерки выходит на крыльцо: Открыты шея, грудь, и вьюга ей в лицо! Но бури севера не вредны русской розе. Как жарко поцелуй пылает на морозе! Как дева русская свежа в пыли снегов!

Пушкин/Pushkin.

I think the best thing to do right now is to tell yourself that you are here for a reason. Every person is here to defend his peace. War is going in Europe. I cannot speak about it. It is very troubling for my mental health.

Still, I am try to be calm, by the way – medication helps. It is difficult to cope with this crisis in economy, health, budget, family and etc.

I hope that no nuclear weapons will be fired. I think that it won’t go there.

I have this feeling in my bones. I still do not know… Nobody knows. But I believe in our bright future. Is it essential and concrete. I feel all the sorrow. However, I can’t ignore the fact, that our humanity is on the egde of a disaster. Hope, i wont happen, stiil, a chance persists.

Don’t be afraid. God is forgiving and helpful. He never has smht bad on his mind. Good always destroys evil. I know that, because i have seen paradise and hell.

Bless you all, and nave a good sleep.

Yours,

NIkki.

Эссе…

Я не думаю о жизни, нет во мне того отца. Я лишь навсегда упомнил, что любовь бывает зла.

Some lines

Hi there, I have some kind of a mood, that makes me want to write again. Happily, I won’t manage to write a lot:) But I like these lines, they are honest. I haven’t been posting for quite a time. I just didn’t have time mostly. The main reason, for sure, was that I had some drafts that were bad. I have deleted them right away. Maybe, I didn’t have something clear and truthful to say. Now I have. Please, make some comments guys. I really need some feedback. I don’t have a lot of subscribers, I am not ready to connect this blog to facebook or twitter. I am not really sure, whether someone else apart from me needs these thoughts and “poems” written here. I am not anonymous here, but I can clearly see that my blog doesn’t really attract readers. I can’t say, that I am sad about that. I understand, that my blog is about me and for me – posts I make here happen during different periods of my struggles with mental disorder. It can be disturbing and hard to read all I have posted here. By the way, at the moment I am feeling fine and stable. For the past 2 years I didn’t have any major problems with my illness. I live a quiet life, I try to do things, that can distract me and help avoiding from falling into psychosis. I try to do my own part and enjoy my life as it is. I try to love myself. I love all those around me. Thank you, dear all!

Today I speak a bit more freely

I hear more truth that’s very healing

I know that my opinion matters

When somebody is going backwards.

Someday I’ll see this come to end

But I would surely have a friend

No matter where, no matter how

I will keep fighting till I drown.

Long read

I am here to express my thoughts and develop skills in writing poems. I am seeking for people, who might address some of the lines as something written about our common problems. I know, that we are all different in every way. That’s great! But my experience with mental illness had shown, that problems and fears are almost the same. Of course, diagnoses differ, they are of all sorts of behavioral and pathological problems. I have lived with my mental disorder for more that 10 years. It is a long run, believe it or not. Through this period of suffering, being delusional, depressed, being admitted to hospitals both in Latvia and the UK has been a massacre. I never self-harmed myself, but I had dozens of other problems, when illness stroke back. I could have died for a number of times during psychosis. I was completely delusional for about 2-4 months in a row. Once I’ve had it without being hospitalized. My mind and body worked without sleep, the information flowing through my brain was colossal. I remembered every person I have met, every name, etc… It felt, like your brain is using enormous amount of it’s resources. These episodes were absolutely disastrous for my family and friends. But I have to say, I’m lucky. Almost every family member and most of my friends did not leave me, quite the opposite, they have supported me since. I am forever thankful to this great people. They are, metaphorically speaking, angels from above. I would have been dead for sure now, if they wouldn’t have been around me. By the way, I have manifested, when I was 19, year 2008. The doctors said to my mommy, that I am not gonna get normal, all that could help me was my intellectual capability. After that I have been in hospital for three months and finally discharged. I have started thinking of what can I do next. I was young, full of ambitions and goals. I have recovered for a while. This was time to reorder my strengths and weaknesses and give it a bash. Thankfully, my illness is of an episodic nature, but these episodes are quite long. I’ve decided to go to university to become a professional translator and interpreter. And I have succeeded. After 5 years I’ve become a Bachelor. Constantly drinking medication, with enormous difficulties to wake up for a lecture or an exam. I have walked miles to and from university to home. Therefore I was fit as well. Afterwards, I was working in my homeland – Latvia as a translator. I have managed to work at home and translate a couple of books. This was hard, but very interesting and developing me as a professional. There were strict deadlines, and you had to be very accurate in the job of translating. Then I have moved to the UK. I’ve worked there at a warehouse and have been trying to find something suitable in interpretation. Then it kinda sucked me in. I have started feeling that something is wrong. Pressure was mounting and finished with my breakdown right at the warehouse. I have gone to hospital. And this is where I am getting back to poetry. I have started writing poems for all of sudden. Previously I only did some essays on a given topic in Russian. It was distracting me from other problems and I was happy, that I could express myself this way. I understand, it’s not perfect, not for everybody. English is not my mother tongue, it is also a barrier in making good poems from my perspective. Active vocabulary is gradually going down, as I don’t have native speaking friends. But I am doing my best. I write every line as sincerely, as possible. It helps me out. And I hope, somebody may like some of them.

Thanks to those didn’t stop reading and read this article till the very end. I am grateful to all of you.

Thank you. Best wishes, Nikki.